I Know What I Want
by BonesBird
Summary: After discovering Hotch and Bethan at the hospital. Veronica packs to leave. Is Hotch strong enough to follow his heart to the woman he loves. Or will he cave in to the others begging. 4 Chapters. Hotch/OC
1. Gravity

**Chapter Title: Gravity  
****Author: BonesBird  
****Summary: After discovering Hotch and Bethan at the hospital. Veronica packs to leave. Is Hotch strong enough to follow his heart to the woman he loves. Or will he cave in to the others begging.  
****Lyrics: Gravity - Embrace**

**OK. I got bored waiting for Clare to catch up. This is about 5/6 months after the last fic written in this universe. As always I'm skipping some time, Clare is writing a couple of fics set in the middle. 4 chapters.**

_**

* * *

Honey, It's been a long time coming  
**__**And I can't stop now**_

I had to get some air. Seeing Aaron in the hospital that way had nearly broken my heart. I couldn't let anyone see my breakdown. Least of all his wife. He wasn't badly injured, but he'd been knocked unconscious. Being unable to treat him the way I wanted too had nearly destroyed my fragile grasp on my emotions. 6 months we'd been hiding behind his marriage. Behind closed doors.

_**Such a long time running  
**__**And I can't stop now**_

He had let Veronica dither over him, and had held my eye contact the whole time. Answering her questions, and giving me a silent reassurance. I hadn't been able to stand it for long. I had seen, not only the look on Aaron's face, but the looks on the rest of the teams faces as I'd bolted out of the Emergency Room. Tears in my eyes. I knew nobody would come to find me other than Carrie or Spencer.

_**Do you hear my heart beating  
**__**Can you hear that sound**_

10 minutes later and Spencer came out to the front, where I was sat sobbing. He sat next to me and wrapped an arm around me. In confiding in Carrie and Spencer I had put them in a difficult situation. But both had kept the secret. Probably better than Aaron and I had. I knew that Rossi had figured it out. On our first case a CSI we barely knew had even noticed. This incident had shown me that we couldn't continue the way we were doing.

_**Cause I can't help thinking  
**__**And I don't look down**_

The team drifted off, eventually even Veronica left, Aaron was being kept in overnight. I walked up to his room and sat in the chair next to his bed. I took his hand and watched as he stirred. I smiled as his eyes found mine. He smiled back at me. At work I didn't see his smile enough. We rarely had time for smiles when we were alone. The limited alone time we got was spent reaffirming the physical bonds of our relationship. We didn't talk as much as I wished we could.

_**And then I looked up at the sun  
**__**And I could see  
**__**Oh the way that gravity turns for you and me**_

"Aaron. I don't know how to do this" I told him, honestly, truthfully. Holding his hand tighter as he pushed himself into a sitting position on the bed, and reached out to stroke my face. "I don't know how to hide my feelings from the team. I don't know how to do this without Veronica seeing what we're up too" I said, my tears starting to fall.

_**And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun  
**__**And the way that gravity pulls on everyone, on everyone**_

He lifted my chin and wiped away my tears. I knew this was hard on him too. But I wasn't sure how he really felt. He was married. Was I only a diversion. Was I just something to take his mind off any problems he had with her. When we were alone with the kids, our banter was easy. We talked about anything and everything. Cerys treated him like he was her father.

_**Baby, It's been a long time waiting  
**__**Such a long, long time**_

"Maybe it's time we come clean about this" He whispered, pulling my face towards his and kissing me lightly. I smiled through my tears, all my fears about what we'd done playing on my mind

"Aaron. What if in six months you realise I'm not what you want. I don't want to lose you" I said, before he kissed me again, harder. Fisting his hand in my hair and squeezing my hand.

_**And I can't stop smiling  
**__**No I can't stop now**_

"What the fuck is this" Shouted a voice from the doorway. We broke apart quickly, looking to Veronica. Who was stood in the doorway "Seriously. What the fuck?" she screamed at us. "I don't expect much more. I figured something was going on between you" I watched in horror as she turned on us both, I felt terrible for betraying her. I'm sure Aaron felt the same. "You'll hear about my transfer on Monday morning. I'll go to Strauss tomorrow"

_**And do you hear my heart beating  
**__**Ah can you hear that sound**_

"Veronica" Aaron said, but with a wave of her hand she silenced him. He took hold of my hand that had been resting on the bed beside him.

"Don't. Say. A thing. Aaron. I knew. Hell, the whole team has known. For weeks! I hoped that we were all just reading too much into it. You have kids the same age, you've been through them being missing, and most of the team knew then, Aaron. You didn't come to me for comfort. You're welcome to each other" I saw the tears in her eyes before she stormed out of the room, and back along the corridor.

_**Cause I can't help crying  
**__**And I won't look down**_

I felt the weight of what had happened settle on us both. He held my hand tighter, neither of us looked at the other, both still looking down the hallway. I saw Carrie coming towards us. She was Hotch's doctor. She looked at us and nodded towards the entry to the ward

"So I figure you told her?" She asked. I shook my head, while Hotch made a noise. "She caught y'all red handed, didn't she"

_**And then I looked up at the sun and I could see  
**__**Oh the way that gravity turns on you and me**_

I nodded. After Carrie left again I turned to Aaron. Holding his eye contact as he stroked my cheek. I smiled as he pulled me closer for a kiss

"We've nothing to hide behind. You won't lose me. My mind isn't going to change about you, B." He whispered, pulling me into him and kissing my cheek. I smiled and wrapped my arms around him. Letting the tears I'd held back over my feelings of regret.

_**And then I looked up at the sun and saw the sky  
**__**And the way that gravity pulls on you and I, on you and I**_

Gravity had pulled us together. Nothing could break the bonds we'd built. Though the had been built the wrong way, and circumstance had led to the situation in which we were left. I clung to his gown as he held me, I felt his tears fall. The last thing either of us had intended was to hurt Veronica in the way that we had.

_**Can you hear my heart beating  
**__**Can you hear that sound**_

Though we still had the journey home, and many other hurdles to get over. Before this was officially over. I had no idea what was really going on in his mind.

_**Cause I can't help crying  
**__**And I wont look down**_


	2. You and I, Collide

**Chapter Title: You and I, Collide.  
****Author: BonesBird  
****Summary: After discovering Hotch and Bethan at the hospital. Veronica packs to leave. Is Hotch strong enough to follow his heart to the woman he loves. Or will he cave in to the others begging.  
****Disclaimer: The only character I own is Bethan.  
****Lyrics: Collide - Howie Day**

**clarebones suggested this, and I thought I'd fit it in between the other parts of this fic. Each chapter has a different song. Weird, huh. Maybe not. Meh. Anyway. Part two. The first verse and chorus is Hotch thinking about his feelings for Bethan, second verse and chorus are about Veronica.**

_**

* * *

The dawn is breaking  
**__**A light shining through**_

He couldn't even think straight right now. The two women who had made the last night in Massachusetts difficult had, wisely, sat at opposite ends of the jet. This case had been an emotional and personal disaster for the BAU. They had all had to deal with his injury, then they had been separated by news of his affair had been official. Not that any of his team had been too surprised. They had all seen the signs that he and Bethan had something more than friendship.

_**You're barely waking  
**__**And I'm tangled up in you**_

He wasn't even sure what he had with Bethan. He had known he loved her for almost as long as he'd known her. The first few weeks she'd been in America he'd realised it, and they'd both fought it. But in the relief of Jack and Ffion being returned to them, all in one piece. Their comforting touches over the time the kids had been gone had taken a turn. He'd instigated it, despite being married. Because at that point he'd had to break.

_**I'm open, you're closed  
**__**Where I follow, you'll go**_

In the weeks after that, right up until the disaster in Vegas, they'd snuck as much time together as they could, in secluded corners of Quantico, in her apartment when the kids were asleep, before he'd carry Jack home afterwards. After Vegas things had changed between them. They no longer stole moments. Whenever Veronica left for a night with Garcia, he'd take Jack upstairs, and after the kids had slept, he and Bethan would get to act more like a couple.

_**I worry I won't see your face  
**__**Light up again**_

She understood his worries, his fears. For Jack. She shared them, for Ffion and Cerys. How would Jack cope without his mom, who would be there to gossip with his first girlfriend, who would give him advice on girls when he was ready for it. He knew she worried about who would protect Ffion and Cerys, who would remind them that boys weren't always nice, but that when they were they should take things slowly. He knew her better than he knew himself in most ways.

_**Even the best fall down sometimes  
**__**Even the wrong words seem to rhyme**_

When he was with Beth, he could just be Aaron. A dad. A man. She had no expectations for him, she had no needs for him to cover whenever they spent time together. He wasn't worrying about when she'd last eaten, or if she'd taken her insulin. He needn't worry about her pulling some heroic stunt, because she had two girls who needed their mom to come home too.

_**Out of the doubt that fills my mind  
**__**I somehow find  
**__**You and I collide**_

His indecision was troubling him. He had been trying to tell Veronica about his feelings, his relationship, with Bethan for weeks. Bethan had never made him think she expected him to leave Veronica. She had accepted early on that Veronica was his wife, and if it should come to it, he might have decided to go back to Veronica. He had never felt in the least bit pressured by her. He wondered how much that had cost her.

_**I'm quiet you know  
**__**You make a first impression**_

He thought back to meeting Veronica. She was new to the team. Her first case she had injured herself, badly. They had begun spending time together, and not long after that they'd become a couple, they'd been together 9 months when she'd been kidnapped during a case. He had been terrified to lose her, and had proposed when he found her. 4 months later they'd gotten married.

_**I've found I'm scared to know  
**__**I'm always on your mind**_

The month after his wedding they'd gone to England, and he'd met Bethan. 8 weeks later they'd fallen into that first night together. He'd been married all of 3 months. It had been 4 months since then. He had been happier when he spent time with Beth than he had been since he got married. He had too many thoughts in his head. He knew that Veronica could take the decision out of his hands.

_**Even the best fall down sometimes  
**__**Even the stars refuse to shine**_

He loved Veronica. It felt like such a cliché to him, but he really had fallen out of love with her. He didn't know how he could tell her that. He had so much that he wanted to tell her before she decided. But he was heading towards the opinion that ending things would be best for all of them. She had barely said a word to him since she had seen him and Bethan in the hospital.

_**Out of the back you fall in time  
**__**I somehow find  
**__**You and I collide**_

Bethan was also keeping her distance. She'd been sat in the back of the jet, with her head on Reid's shoulder, his arm around her neck, watching him play cards with Carrie. Reid was protective of those two women, and the two girls that came alongside Bethan. The moment Carrie had seen that Veronica knew, she'd tried to head it off, but it hadn't worked. Since then, either Reid or Carrie had been beside Bethan. While JJ or Emily had been with Veronica. Neither woman had paid the least bit of attention to the other.

_**Don't stop here  
**__**I've lost my place  
**__**I'm close behind**_

His thoughts drifted between the two women. From his position he could see Bethan the clearest. He could see that she was drawing as much strength as she could from her two friends. Reid was trying to play the cards, not give his hand away, while still wrapping it round Bethan. The three of them were laughing. It gave Hotch the hope that she'd allow him to do what he needed to do.

_**Even the best fall down sometimes  
**__**Even the wrong words seem to rhyme**_

He swivelled, so he could see Veronica. She was curled up on a chair, Emily and JJ were sat next to her, there was no laughter on that end of the jet. Veronica looked to be on the verge of crying. He felt guilty. He was the cause of her pain. But he wasn't the cause of what had gotten beyond his control. Her feelings were very different to his, he had no doubt.

_**Out of the doubt that fills your mind  
**__**You finally find  
**__**You and I collide**_

The two women were opposite sides of the same coin. They shared so much in common, but they also held a lot of differences. Veronica was quick to anger and quick to forgive, while Bethan was more calm, took offence to less. However when she did take offence, you would have to re-build a lot of bridges to gain her trust again.

_**You finally find  
**__**You and I collide**_

He was drawn to Veronica because she was carefree. She knew what she wanted, and she'd go for it. Not letting anybody else affect her decision. The downside of that had been that she had often run into things without telling him. They had a lot of differences, that had been too hard for him to ignore. With Bethan he was drawn to more. She was caring and considerate. She had asked her 5 year old about moving clear across the world. She shared more in common with him, not just including parenthood.

_**You finally find  
**__**You and I collide**_

The collision of his thoughts, and of two remarkable women into his life. He knew in his mind who he had the most to lose with. He would need to talk to the other woman first. The change in dynamics would take getting used too. He loved both. But he knew in which direction his future lied. He just had to wait til they got home to tell her.

_**You finally find  
**__**You and I collide**_


	3. Ender

**Chapter Title: Ender  
****Author: BonesBird  
****Summary: After discovering Hotch and Bethan at the hospital. Veronica packs to leave. Is Hotch strong enough to follow his heart to the woman he loves. Or will he cave in to the others begging.  
****Disclaimer: I don't own Hotch. I don't own Veronica (redhead dynamite does). I do own Bethan.  
****Lyrics: Ender - Finch**

**One more chapter after this. I'm updating all my fics after posting my 50th fic tonight!**

_**

* * *

Here I am beside myself again.**_

He stood in the corridor. Both directions laid women he loved. He knew where his heart lay heaviest. Where he stood the most to lose. It wasn't the direction his wife was in. In Bethan he had a woman he had fallen for swiftly, they shared more in common than he did with Veronica. They shared their love of reading, their history in active law-enforcement, they shared parenthood and they shared losing the first love of their life.

_**I'm torn apart by words that you have said.**_

He knew he should have gone to check she was OK. But upstairs Beth went to her sister and her children. Veronica was walking into an empty apartment, to most likely pack her bags. He couldn't blame her. He had done something unforgivable. He had thrown the vows they had taken away, and he had betrayed every ounce of trust she'd ever had in him. He couldn't deny his feelings, he knew he should have told her.

_**And all in all,  
**__**I know we're falling apart.**_

"Why, Aaron?" She asked as he shut the door behind him. She stood at the other side of the room, tears in her eyes. Holding Jack's teddy in her hands. She was squeezing it like it was a stress reliever. "Why did you do it. Was I not good enough for you? Was it something I did?" she begged. How would he tell her that it was nothing she did, nothing she could do differently to change the outcome. That he just felt a bigger attraction to the other woman. Would she ever believe him.

_**Where did you run to so far away?**_

"No, it wasn't you, Vee" he almost whispered. Looking at her. She was amazing. Better than he felt deserved. Both the women were better than he felt deserved. He knew that both loved him. Veronica had given him her heart. But they wanted different things out of marriage. He wanted a bigger family, he wanted a white fence. She wanted her career, and someone to see out her retirement with. Bethan was only a year older than Veronica, but she seemed much older.

_**Here we are to sing you a song.**_

He knew maturity came into his decision. Veronica's mood swings were too much for him to keep up with. Her habit of forgetting to eat, or forgetting her insulin, infuriated him, but she was too fragile for him to ever bring up the topic with. When he had met Bethan, he had seen a strong woman, who was used to being a single parent. He had always felt like a single parent. Jack didn't accept Veronica as anything other than his step-mom. Jack respected Bethan.

_**There you are asleep against the window pane  
**__**Just like always.**_

"I can't deny my heart. Veronica" he whispered. Hoping she wouldn't ask for him to verbalise his choice. He didn't know if he could stand to see her heart break in front of him. The guilt was settling in. He wasn't sure how he would say no to her if she begged

"Is it her?" She asked, not asking for a name. Not even really needing anything more than his nod. He followed her through to the bedroom, watching as she packed her bags.

_**You said you like to hear the rain sometimes.**_

He held his heart in his hands as he watched her. He knew she'd want more out of him before she left, but now she knew his choice. He was ready for the questions. He was ready to answer her honestly, she deserved that at least. He couldn't take it back. He wasn't sure he wanted to. But he didn't want to hurt her any more than he already had, just by agreeing to marry her so quickly after they got together. He wouldn't ever make that mistake again.

_**And all I can do is tell you the truth.  
**__**And oh, my eyes will tell you the same.**_

"How long" She asked, he didn't want to disrespect her by lying, and saying a few weeks

"Since we got Jack and Ffion back" he replied, looking at the floor, she looked about ready to hit him

"That's been 5 months! Do you love her?" she asked, her eyes filling with emotion

"Yes. I do" He answered, he hadn't even told Bethan that, when they hadn't been in bed together,

"Good luck to you" She said, a defeated tone to her voice.

_**Here we are to sing you a song.  
**__**There you are asleep again**_

He collapsed onto the bed, trying to get the ache he felt to go away. He knew he'd done the best thing for him, but he didn't know how to feel about the end of his second marriage. After he heard Veronica leave he realised he needed to be with the one woman his life would revolve around from now on. He walked up to her apartment. Watched as her sister excused herself to go home. Bethan flung herself into his arms the moment Suzanne left.

_**Grasp our hands together,  
**__**we feel we are one result.**_

He wrapped his arms around her, wanting to tell her everything he had held in while Veronica had still been an issue. He found himself looking into her eyes. Eye contact had been what led to the situation they had been in. This time when he kissed her, he felt no guilt over Veronica. This time it was just about Bethan and he. He had nothing to hold back from her. He had no reason to stop.

_**Grasp our hands together,  
**__**we feel we are one result.**_

He grasped her hands, wrapping his fingers around hers. Allowing himself to say everything he felt about her, for her. Everything he had felt could possibly get in the way. Every worry he had about the way they would tackle what people at work would say. He talked well into the night. Letting her presence lift him above his melancholy. Her unwavering support of his decisions showed him he had made the right decision.

_**And grasp our hands together,  
**__**we feel we are one result.**_

She told him about how she had been sure he'd choose Veronica, if she'd have him. She talked about all her fears. Her worries about how the future would unfold. She had little worry for the opinions of her co-workers. She had been the only female cop in a room full of men before. He wasn't worried for her. He had finally admitted he loved her. It had taken him too long to make a decision. But he knew he'd made the right one.

_**And here we are to sing you a song.  
**__**And there you are asleep again...**_


End file.
